Author's notes: Sorry if my knowledge of Mass Effect is rather limited.
*The four soon went back inside the theater room for another day of riffing. A cyberdemon awaited in the room; a baron of hell, an archvile, and a spider mastermind accompanied the cybernetic demon warlord.*
Tiem: Well, this is awkward.
Anthun: How the hell did you guys get in here?
Cyberdemon: Save it. We have something special to riff on. A multi-crossover.
Jaynis: Lemme guess, it's one that makes no damn sense whatsoever.
Cyberdemon: You have no idea.
Anthun: Alright, roll the fic.
Seven years have passed since the Battle of Naboo.
Ulysses: The Star Wars prequel trilogy? Hoo boy...
Cyberdemon: We have just begun the descent into an insanity worse than the Dakari-King.
Spider Mastermind: Some author, by the name of Jedi Qui-Gon, wrote this thing, by the way. Three chapters long, too. It crosses over Star Wars with Twilight of all things, and Mass Effect.
Archvile: This should be fun.
Baron of Hell: I'm ready for it.
Qui-Gon Jinn is in a deep coma, one no one is sure he will ever come out of.
Anthun: Wait a minute, hold it. Qui-Gon had been stabbed in the chest by Darth Maul's double-bladed lightsaber, which looks pretty damn impractical to wield by the way, and he's been burned on a funeral pyre after the battle ended. Like Obi-Wan, who would later get cut down by Darth Vader in Episode IV, Qui-Gon wasn't coming back.
Spider Mastermind: It only gets more insane from here.
The Republic made first contact with the Asari two days ago.
Anthun: Hoo boy, this is gonna be a long day.
Spider Mastermind: Someone, by the name of Herr-Wozzeck, already ranted on a bit on that crossover raising serious questions, so there is no need to repeat what he had said.
“We should call in the Asari. Maybe they can heal Master Qui-Gon.” Obi-Wan says to Yoda and Mace Windu.
Archvile: And already, quite a bit of OOC here. Obi-Wan moved on in spite of Qui-Gon's death.
Jaynis: Apparently, the author couldn't. And like Mykan, he still hasn't.
Tiem: At least he's getting to the point.
“That is a good idea. Everything we tried up to this point to heal Qui-Gon has failed.” Mace Windu says
Tiem: Isn't Qui-Gon supposed to stay dead?
Archvile: Yes, but don't tell the author that.
Mace Windu opens a COM line to Thessia, the Asari home world.
“What do you need?” Matriarch Rezesia says in a gentle tone.
Jaynis: Who's the woman?
Ulysses: I'll be damned if I know.
“We need your best healers to come to the Jedi Temple.
Baron of Hell: I doubt Asari have healers.
There is a Jedi named Qui-Gon, he has been in a coma for seven years, we are not sure how much longer it will last.” Mace Windu says.
Ulysses: Anyone making any sense of this?
“Thanks, we are out of options of how to heal Qui-Gon.”
“We are just trying our best to help. We always try to help our allies, old or new. Rezesia out.”
“Mace Windu out.”
Seneya and Asarshi get on a starship and fly to space. The ship enters FTL flight and heads to Coruscant.
Tiem: Nobody know's what's going on?
Spider Mastermind: Not even I do, I'm afraid.
Cyberdemon: At least Some authors attempt to set the scene. This? I have nothing.
Baron of Hell: Sometimes, there is such a thing as too fast pacing.
“Lets go to the landing pad.” Mace Windu says to Obi-Wan.
The two Jedi go to the landing pad and the ship Seneya and Asarshi are flying on arrives one hour later. The ship lands on the landing pad.
Tiem: At least we're on a landing pad now. Wait. Where is the pad at?
“Hi, Mace Windu.” Matriarch Seneya says after walking down the landing ramp with Asarshi following behind her.
Spider Mastermind: Because that's how Asari Matriarchs act. *aside* Wait, no they don't.
“HI, I will lead you to the room Qui-Gon Jinn is in.” Mace Windu says to the Matriarch.
The two Asari, Obi-Wan, and Mace walk to the medical ward of the Jedi Temple.
“In here.” Mace says as he opens the door that leads into one of the rooms in the medical ward.
Archvile: There may be more of those stupid walking scenes. Keep this in mind.
The lights in the room are dim, and there is only one medical bed in the room.
Anthun: How far are we into this chapter?
Spider Mastermind: Halfway.
Anthun: Already!? Damn!
“By the goddess. How long was Qui-Gon in a coma?” Seneya asks Mace Windu.
“For seven years. What can you do to heal him?” Mace replies.
“There is a special power named Melding. It allows for an Asari and her partner to join minds and share thoughts, it is a very gentle process. It also can heal someone in a coma; I have done it several times in my eight hundred years in the medical field. I just need peace and quiet.”
Spider Mastermind: Melding isn't used for healing, as far as I'm concerned. It's how the Asari reproduce.
Jaynis: Oh, really?
Spider Mastermind: Now imagine that process happening to a man in a coma.
Jaynis: Erm... How about I don't?
“Okay. Do you want us the leave the room?”
“I will go also, so you can focus.” Asarshi says to Seneya.
The two Jedi and Asarshi leave the room. They sit in chairs outside of the room.
“How long does it take to do the special healing?” Obi-Wan asks Asarshi.
“The shortest time it took for anyone to the special power to heal someone in a coma was ten minutes. The longest was two hours.” Asarshi replies.
“I hope it is not too long.”
Baron of Hell: Is this fic ever going to competently explain anything that's going on?
Cyberdemon: Not really.
Archvile: No way.
Spider Mastermind: I'm afraid not.
One hour and fifteen minutes later, the door opens.
“I succeeded in healing Qui-Gon Jinn; he is starting to wake up.” Seneya says to the other good guys.
Tiem: "Our losers", more like.
“That is great!” Jedi Master Mace Windu says to Seneya.
Jaynis: And then Qui-Gon was a zombie.
The Asari and Jedi walk into the room.
“How long was I out for?” Qui-Gon asks after he wakes up.
Archvile: Did his body somehow survive a funeral pyre? I would've been able to heal him, but that would be breaking canon rules.
Baron of Hell: And who talks about the Star Wars prequels, anyhow? *aside* Except derisively?
“Master Qui-Gon, you were in a coma for seven years. Matriarch Seneya healed you. The Republic made first contact with the Asari two days ago. They are masters of healing.”
“Seneya, how long will it be before Qui-Gon heals completely?” Obi-Wan asks Seneya.
“It will take several months of therapy.
Ulysses: For us? Several years.
I will stay here and help.” Seneya replies.
“I will head back to Thessia.” Asarshi says to Seneya.
“Okay. I will stay here; I will contact you when things are finished here.” Seneya replies.
Spider Mastermind: This is only the first chapter, and not a single bit of sense was made thus far.
Cyberdemon: Now for the second chapter.
Two months have passed since Asari Matriarch Seneya arrived at the Jedi Temple. Anakin and Obi-Wan are sparring in the Jedi Temple training room. Qui-Gon and Seneya are watching them
Anthun: And I thought the Dakari-King's writing was bad.
“Nice job, Anakin. You were able to keep my light saber from getting through your defenses for a longer period of time than yesterday.” Obi-Wan says after a long sparring match.
Tiem: Which we'll never gonna see.
“One day, I will win against you. I will be a great Jedi Master one day.”
“You have a long way to go Anakin, but you can do it.
Baron of Hell: Because that's what being a Jedi Master is all about.
Archvile: Ambition is dangerous for a Jedi to have. Just look at how it all went down with Canon!Anakin.
It is getting late, we should go to bed.”
“Nice job with training, Anakin Skywalker.” Qui-Gon says.
Ulysses: Just wait until Anakin falls to the Dark Side.
Anakin and Obi-Wan go to their sleeping quarters.
“Qui-Gon, we should go to bed also. We can do more training tomorrow.” Seneya says to Qui-Gon
Jaynis: Isn't Qui-Gon supposed to be undergoing physical therapy?
Tiem: Consistency? What's that?
The Jedi and Asari go their quarters. Qui-Gon’s sleeping room is next to Seneya’s room.
Several hours after Seneya fell asleep; she is awakened by a scream.
Anthun: Is the plot kicking in now?
Ulysses: And we're using the term loosely.
“Qui-Gon!” Seneya yells as she runs to the door and finds it locked. She rips the door off with her Biotic powers.
“What happened?” Obi-Wan says as he and Anakin run into the room.
“Someone or something took Qui-Gon! We need to get a starship out of the hangar and give chase. The window is busted. They must have gone outside and possibly want to escape the planet!”
Spider Mastermind: Has this dimwit ever heard of the "show, don't tell" at all?
Baron of Hell: How this simpleton had enough knowledge of the Star Wars Expanded Universe to know that Jenna Zan Arbor was bad news...even though he doesn't care about getting the bigger picture right.
Seneya’s COM link beeps and she takes it out.
“Seneya, we got a taunting message from someone by the name of Cullen.
Tiem: Now, here's where Twilight gets involved...for some reason.
Ulysses: What next? Dumbass and friends from The Mortal Instruments show up somewhere?
He said we will never get Qui-Gon back and then the windows all shattered as a spaceship took off. It was huge!
The good news is that one of our ships in space jacked into the ship’s navigation systems and copied the coordinates it was heading to.”
Cyberdemon: And no sense will be made this chapter, apparently.
Mace says to Seneya through the COM link.
Ulysses: I can imagine Samuel L. Jackson being shanghaied into a saturday morning cartoon.
“We need to call in Commander Shepard and the Normandy! They can slip into the destination point undetected.”
“I will, the criminals will not get away! Mace out.”
Seneya puts her COM link in her pocket.
Tiem: And Mace's placing the call? Wouldn't it make more sense for someone from the ME galaxy to do that?
“When I find those villains, I will make them wish they were never born!” Anakin says with anger.
“Anakin, beware of the Dark Side. Do not give into your hate and anger.” Obi-Wan says to Anakin Skywalker.
Spider Mastermind: Now where was the counsel when Anakin showed that ambition earlier?
In the Jedi High Council tower, Mace Windu opens a COM line to Thessia.
“Mace Windu, what do you need?” Rezesia asks Windu.
“I have terrible news! Someone or something kidnapped Qui-Gon Jinn! We need Commander Shepard and the Normandy!”
Baron of Hell: Call in someone from your own damn galaxy, instead. Shepard is probably busy drinking from the debacle that was ME3's ending.
“By the goddess! I will call them in right away!”
“Do it. Mace Windu out.”
Anthun: If only the author would actually explain the shit in this thing...
On the mystery ship, Qui-Gon wakes up.
“Where am I? I was in my quarters and this place is different. Why do I feel so weak?” Qui-Gon says, he tries to move but he is tied up.
“You are not at home anymore, you are with us! My name is Edward Cullen.
Jaynis: As if I couldn't give less of a fuck about this fanfic...
Anthun: I wish we were taking on a Kingdom Hearts fanfic instead.
When the ship reaches my planet, you are going to be the subject of scientific experiments.
HAHAHAHAHA! The reason you may feel weak is because we put a drug in your body that causes anyone who gets injected with it to become weak!”
Baron of Hell: And Shovelface is now a sparkling mad scientist...
Archvile: Oh no, he's gonna turn Qui-Gon sparkly! As if being a zombie wasn't bad enough...
“You are insane!”
“No, we are not.”
Spider Mastermind: Given that they come from a canon where stalking is seen as romantic, and that the vampires sparkle in the sunlight, and that Bella "Dead Eyes" Swan gets away with treating her father like crap, they were never sane in the first place.
“You are all insane! You are committing very serious crimes! You will not get away with this!”
“SHUT UP!” Edward screams before he karate chops Qui-Gon in the back of his neck, he is knocked out instantly.
Ulysses: And now the fic jumped the shark.
Cyberdemon: Good lord. No wonder this fic was deleted from Fanfiction.net.
The Normandy arrives near Coruscant.
Joker opens a COM line to the Jedi Temple. Shepard is standing next to Joker.
“Mace Windu, we are ready to come to the Temple, we can pick up Seneya and we need the coordinates. After that, we can chase those heartless fiends down!” Shepard says to Mace Windu through the COM line.
Tiem: Utter dolts would've been more like it.
Anthun: Let's just finish up this chapter already.
“That is good; we can not let them get away with what they did!” Mace Windu replies.
The Normandy flies to the Temple and lands.
“I have the data pad with the coordinates.” Seneya says as she runs up the ramp into the Normandy. She gives the data pad to Commander Shepard.
“Good, we can leave now.”
“Are you ready, Commander?” Joker asks.
“Yes, we are ready. Lets take off after them!” Shepard replies.
Archvile: Anyone get all that?
Tiem: No sense was being made here, so...nope.
Jaynis: Last chapter.
Cyberdemon: Good. Let's get this done with.
The Normandy takes off and flies into space.
“How long will it take to get there?” Seneya asks Joker.
“The coordinates point to a planet fifty trillion light years away, it will take thirty five hours to get there.” Joker says.
Spider Mastermind: What coordinates? Explain, author!
“I hope we get there in time. I feel really bad for Qui-Gon, I hope nothing bad happens to him.”
“If they do something, they will regret it!”
Tiem: Like how? Riff on the source they were based on? Then again, that's been done to death already.
On the planet fifty trillion light years away, the villains land in Forks, Washington. They take Qui-Gon into a building with a giant movie theatre screen.
Spider Mastermind: Forks, Washington... Of all the places Twilight could've taken place in, why a backwater town in Washington State?
Cyberdemon: Las Vegas too interesting for you, Meyer?
Archvile: Then again, why a movie theater of all places? Unless he's gonna pull A Clockwork Orange on Zombie Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon starts to wake up again. He sees the screen and he is still tied up tight.
“You are awake; now, you will say this with me. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are the hottest couple ever!”
“I will not repeat what you say!”
“Do you want to be forced to watch all the Twilight movies until you say it?”
“You will never make me say it! When Matriarch Seneya arrives, you will wish you never took me away!”
Tiem: Oh good lord... Just...what the hell was this author thinking? And I've had a nightmare of sitting through an entire overbloated profile of an Earthbound Sue, for fuck's sake! With pretty much the entire cadre of Megaman Zero bosses, minus Copy X and Dr. Weil!
Ulysses: How bad is she?
Tiem: You do not want to know.
The Twilight fiends start up the screen. One of the fiends duct tapes Qui-Gon’s mouth shut. Another Twilight fiend uses clamps to keep Qui-Gon’s eyes wide open. Qui-Gon can not move his head at all, the movie starts.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Qui-Gon screams as he is tortured by the horribleness of the movies.
Spider Mastermind: Even by the batshit-insane logic this fic runs on, this makes no sense.
For the next thirty three hours, Qui-Gon is tortured by the movies, the Twilight characters laugh like maniacs.
Anthun: So they're essentially turned into Saturday Morning Cartoon villains. Oh, good lord...
In the Global Power Generator under Forks, a creature is killing people.
It reaches the control room and kills everyone in the room.
“HAHAHAHA! I am unstoppable!” the creature says as it shuts down the primary power.
Jaynis: Who the hell's that creature? What does it look like? Why is it going apeshit?
All forms of communication shut down along with all TVs and movie screens.
“Now, we can invade and turn everyone on this world into one of us!” the creature says to the fleet through a COM line.
Spider Mastermind: And the creature's on the hero side... I got nothing.
The Twilight characters start panicking.
“Now, this is time! The affects of the drug are gone along with the affects of the movie. Force, let me out!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he uses the Force to remove the clamps and loosens the ropes.
Cyberdemon: The force doesn't work that way, bubblehead.
Tiem: And descriptive labeling is not the author's strong point.
“AGHHHHHH!” a Twilight character screams as he gets tackled to the ground by the creatures called Imperium.
One of the creatures sees the Jedi Master and lunges at him.
“I have to move!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself, he leaps away from the chair and falls to the floor twenty feet away. He gets back up and runs out the door.
Anthun: And how is the creature not catching up to him? I have no idea.
“That was too close. Good thing the power got cut off.
Ulysses: And how could he even see the things coming in the dark, assuming there's logic in the movie.
The affects of the drug cut me off from the Force, and then they make me watch the horrible movies.
Guess the movies were to keep me suffering and kept me from concentrating on the Force after the drug wore off.”
Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he runs as fast as he can to a cluster of bushes. He hides in the middle of the cluster and notices a tall building in the distance.
Cyberdemon: Sounds like the author's pulling shit out of his ass to cover up plot holes at this point.
Archvile: Sounds about right.
In Forks, Washington, terror is ripping through. The Imperium are descending from drop ships and killing Twilight characters by shoving gray stuff down their throats.
“If I can reach the top of the tall building, I can get the attention of any good guys when they come.” the Jedi Master thinks to himself as he gets back up after catching his breath.
Baron of Hell: Don't you think that would attract more unwanted attention?
Cyberdemon: Speaking of which, what are the Imperium, anyway?
Spider Mastermind: Never explained, unfortunately.
Qui-Gon stays as sneaky as a ninja and heads towards the building. He narrowly avoids being seen several times.
“That is the entrance, I need to be fast!” Qui-Gon thinks to himself. He sees no patrols nearby for the moment and then runs to the entrance. The Jedi opens the door and slips in.
“Now, I just need to find a weapon.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself as he looks for a weapon.
He finds a long metal pole. “I can infuse it with the Force.”
Jaynis: Is the author enchanting his weapon with the power of pwnage?
Anthun: Given the logic in this story, that's possible.
The Jedi Master sees the stairs and goes up the stairs.
He reaches the roof in minutes using the Force; the Jedi opens the door carefully. “No sight of monsters or the fiends who took me here.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself.
He walks outside and then hears a voice.
“How did you escape alive?” the sparklepire named Edward Cullen yells in anger.
Tiem: Don't you notice the random plot monsters taking over your world you fucking idiot?
Baron of Hell: What was the point of turning Shovelface into a mad scientist again?
“I was being smart and sneaky to escape. I have the Force by my side.”
“The Force will not save you!” Edward yells at Qui-Gon as he leaps at the Jedi.
Qui-Gon quickly blocks Edward’s blade with his Force infused metal pole.
The Normandy exits FTL flight and engages stealth systems.
Spider Mastermind: Because the fight system was so riveting, we had to cut to the Normandy jumping in.
Joker flies the ship towards the planet and Seneya guides him with her ability to sense where Qui-Gon is.
Spider Mastermind: Also, I'm sure Asari are unable to sense someone with biotics. If that was possible, the first game would've been done with faster than that damned space marine hits me with a point-blank BFG blast.
Qui-Gon Force pushes Edward away. “I sense them, they are here.” Qui-Gon thinks to himself. The Normandy approaches and slows to a stop near the rooftop.
“You will never get out alive!” the sparklepire named Edward Cullen yells as he rushes at Qui-Gon. The door to the rooftop is kicked open and several Imperium shoot and stun Edward Cullen.
Anthun: Geez, the random aliens outta nowhere are proving more competent than Shovelface is.
“I need to get out of here!” the Jedi Master thinks to himself as he throws his weapon to the ground in a desperate bid to escape.
He runs towards the Normandy and jumps towards the ship. He almost makes it and misses the ledge.
“Not on my watch!” Mordin Solus yells as he grabs Qui-Gon by the arm. Mordin Solus is a Salarian. He pulls Qui-Gon into the Normandy.
Cyberdemon: Just how did the asari matriarch call the Normandy in the first place? Explain you gobshite!
Baron of Hell: Doom Repercussions of Evil was over with faster, and at least was quite memetic.
Matriarch Seneya and Liara T’Soni are powering a huge Biotic Barrier and an Imperium drop ship shows up.
It tries to shoot the Normandy but the shield stops the lasers. The special thing about the barrier is that it allows the good guys to attack enemies without the attacks being stopped by the shield.
“Take this!” Wrex says as he aims the M-920 Cain and fires it straight at the Imperium drop ship. The blast cripples the ship and it falls to the ground.
Spider Mastermind: Sure, the author's aware of the finer points of Mass Effect, but gives no damn about adhering to the continuity of the series.
Cyberdemon: And yet, the author is super-defensive about his garbage... Just...why did he bother writing if he isn't going to take criticism badly?
“Joker, get us out of here!” Commander Shepard yells as he fires at the Imperium single trooper platforms.
“We are out of here!” Joker yells as the hatch closes and the Normandy shoots off into space and beyond at 413 times light speed.
Jaynis: Good lord, Mass Defect made more sense than this tripe.
Anthun: And funnier, too.
On the rooftop, an Imperium is about to shove gray stuff down Edward Cullen’s throat.
“If you end me, Bella, Jacob Black, and the Cullens will still defeat you!” Edward says to the creature.
“We already killed them all. None of your kind escaped! We are going to terraform this world and make it our home world!” the creature says before shoving gray stuff into his throat and killing the last of the Twilight characters.
Spider Mastermind: You don't mean that the Imperium are the same ones from the Warhammer 40K universe. Are they? Probably not.
Cyberdemon: One more scene to go, let's end this thing.
The Normandy is in FTL flight. The heroes will arrive at Thessia in thirty five hours.
Baron of Hell: As opposed to the Jedi Temple, but that'd be asking too much.
“Qui-Gon, are you okay?” Matriarch Seneya asks the Jedi Master.
“No. I was tortured. They forced me to watch the horrible movies. They duct taped my mouth shut and used clamps to keep my eyes open. The torture did not end until the power shut down.”
“I feel so terrible for you. Why did they do that?” Seneya says as she hugs Qui-Gon and sheds some tears.
Tiem: You're telling me. We had about as much luck figuring out Shovelface's motivations as we did trying to comprehend if he's worse overall than Mykan.
“Those Twilight fiends got what they deserved! The Imperium may have wiped them all out. Good thing an ancient race warned us about the threat attacking Twilight world just before we arrived.” Commander Shepard says.
“You got that right, Commander. They called themselves the Ancients, that name fits them for being a several billion year old race. They told us to get Qui-Gon and fly away like there was no tomorrow.” Joker says to Shepard.</b>
Archvile: How does this even qualify as a story at this point?
Baron of Hell: Again, it's no wonder this fic was deleted.
“Qui-Gon, do you want to come to Thessia for a few months? You can decide to stay longer than that. A bad guy would have to be a fool to try to get to you, all Asari use Biotic powers.” Seneya says to Qui-Gon.
“Yes. Can I use the COM lines to talk to Obi-Wan and Anakin when we get there? I still want to be able to teach them stuff about the Jedi and other things.”
“Yes, you can. We are going to be okay from now on. The threat posed by the Twilight characters is never coming back.”
Cyberdemon: Since the author can't make a lick of sense at this point, not a single fuck was given from us.
The reason I typed this story is because I hate the Twilight characters. I have heard that girls are dumping guys for not being like Edward Cullen. Also, I think that Twilight is anti-Feminist! It sends Feminism back hundreds of years! This fueled my hatred of Twilight to the point where I had to type this.
Anthun: You wrote this to bash Twilight... Even anti-Twilight people would try to make the bashing funny.
Spider Mastermind: And apparently, some human who goes by the username Herr-Wozzeck said that the fic was written by someone who was written by someone who belongs in a mental hospital.
Cyberdemon: And that is it for this...thing.
*The fanfic theater screen shut off.*
Spider Mastermind: And now, we must prepare for another egregious literary travesty. What that will be, we don't know yet.
*The four cringed at the thought of dealing with another particularly bad fanfic. What will that fanfic be? No one knows.*